hole
by Femme aux Mille Visages
Summary: to love is human. to err is human. to lose is perhaps most human of all. but Draco can never forgive himself for throwing something away-something precious, something extraordinay-only he wonders if he threw it away at all or if it was something to be taken from him or if he had it in the first place.


the child sitting in the tree, daring him to climb up higher

he thinks

that

might be the only time he's ever been courageous, rising to her challenge

the time

she was seven and she

cut off all her hair to look like

a

b o y ' s

because her mother said that pureblood girls

don't

go climbing trees

don't

get their dress robes dirty

don't forget to do their schoolwork and did she want to be behind all the mudbloods anyway?

and she'd said fine

and cut off her hair

her lovely long beautiful hair and her sister went and tattled but he, he thought she looked

l

when they were eleven and going to Hogwarts and her sister cried and cried on the platform

he felt so guilty

that they were leaving her behind

Astoria loved Daphne nearly as much as he did

they sat with someone named

The-o-dore on the train

he goes by theo not teddy

Daphne didn't like him

and he's afraid, afraid he won't be in Slytherin afraid he's a disgrace to the family and he can feel himself slipping and

she's squeezing his hand

she's holding him

she won't ever let go

and he's okay again

they're in Slytherin

same year

same first year dorm

but seperate bedrooms of course

because that wouldn't be _proper_

he's heard the older boys Father brings round giggling before

he knows what boys and girls do when they're in their dorm rooms

but he and Daphne aren't like that

he loves her

but he's not in love with her

she's just s

he doesn't know how to explain it really

only that she's the only one

he can say he's scared to

in second year when the chamber was opened

she was the only one with the balls

_well not really but the metaphor stands_

to tell him to suck it up when that hippogriff scratched him

she cheered him at every Quidditch match and

consoled him after every time Potter bested him

and tutored him in Transfiguration because he

really was terrible even though he's pretty good

at Charms

he feels irrationally jealous when Flint takes her

to the Yule Ball

she looks stunning in green

with ropes of pearls at her neck and silver in her hair

a perfect princess

he likes her better when

she kicks off her shoes in protest

and slouches in her chair

and drinks butterbeer until she's tipsy

he asked Theo to take Astoria

because she told him how much her sister wanted to go

but he'd already asked Pansy because Flint asked Daphne

Astoria was an angel in white

little more than a child

she teases him about how tall he's gotten

that his dress robes are a little short

he panics

she laughs and he realizes she's joking

the awkward teenage years have left him gangly and slightly

left footed

which was a shame she said because she was hoping he'd ask for a dance

he nearly trips over himself trying to say yes fast enough

they used to be nearly the same height but she is still child sized

like a prized little china doll

that doesn't want to stay

on the shelf

it is that summer that they kiss for the first time

she is the one who initiates it because half the time he secretly wonders if she should have been a

Gryffindor

she's just _that way_

it is sloppy and full of tongue

he makes a habit of sneaking to the Greengrass summer manse every evening after that

her skin is buttery against his with sweat

eyes dilated with lust

full of desperation

and he thinks he's always been in love with her

but maybe he just didn't know it

or maybe he just couldn't show it

because he didn't have the

e

but it doesn't matter because

she's kissing him now

and her hands are on him now

and he's inside her now

and it is perfectly, inexplicably right for all the

summer heat

and clumsiness

and giggling

and mishaps that go with this moment

like when she kneed him in the ribs

or when he bit her lip so hard she bled

but they are too far gone to care

too full of pleasure

but they grow apart next year

she hates Umbridge

she hates the ministry

she believes Potter

_howcouldyouhowcouldyouhowcouldyou_

and she told him he didn't own her and just like that they were suddenly over

Blaise tells him to get over it his mother has lost nine husbands he should brighten up

Theo gets his hands on some firewhiskey he doesn't know how but he drinks it too fast

and calls in with a hangover the next morning

and that

is exactly what this feels like, this emptiness of Daphne

a hangover

an ache where she was

or rather where she wasn't

and she _won't forgive him and he wonders if he is beyondredemptionbeyondredemption_

_deatheaterdeatheaterdeatheater_

and then the anger comes and fills that hole

that hole of desperate

w a n t

n e e d

g

when he gets the mark he screams

and his thoughts fill with her telling him to suck it up

the Dark Lord

finds this

amusing

it is not amusing

it is love

he wonders if he should have done it

this place where love is forbidden and killing is commonplace

is no place for him he knows that

he lacks the callousness

but he buries it because if he can't win her love he can still try for Father's

try until he's hiccuping on the floor cradling his left forearm

and thinking of that old man's face

and hoping that they win this war because

otherwise she'll never look at him again

he spends

a lot of time in the bathroom that year

maybe it's because the dripping water is oddly soothing

maybe it's because he gets an odd kind of companionship from

Moaning Myrtle

both crying

both inbetweens

both invisible to the people they need the most

or maybe it's really just because no one

comes in here and he doesn't want them to see him cry

she finds him after the Christmas holidays

she always does

whenever he really needs her

she looks fine

she looks happy

she is beautiful and healthy and doing well in all her classes

and they start to connect again

he regrets all the times they played games

as children

where he was king or lord or knight

and she only the damsel in distress

because he needs her so much more than she needs him

he is the weakling

the coward

the one who needs rescuing

she never wanted to be that pureblood princess

but she played it anyway because she loved

y o u

and he threw it away

he wants to say he's sorry

he wants her to take him back

and she still loves him

but she hides it

after all she's dating roger davies now anyway

but she holds him when he cries

and helps him with his homework

and jokes with him over dinner

and it is almost back to normal

she is still furious at the mark on his arm

because she is too

good

kind

brave

to bear that badge of shame

he talks to Astoria sometimes

she's just as

lonely

adrift

lost

without her sister as he is

they hear rumors that Daphne is a spy

working with a resistance group

and they are afraid together

but it feels good to allow himself to be loved again

they kiss just once more

before the final battle

she says she wants to stand and fight

this

this is the chance she's always wanted

since she was that little girl who cut off her long long hair

to be a hero

a real one

not the sidekick

not the love interest

a hero

she makes him promise he'll get Astoria out safely

she asks him if he'll do the right thing

he says he doesn't know what that is anymore

she kisses him

_thatistherightthing_

he thinks but she is already fleeing from him

into the labyrinth of exploding spells and debris and fighters braver than him

he's fighting with the death eaters

but not really

because he is too afraid

he's heard it said that fiendfiyre is seen differently by everyone

that there are monsters in it

his monster is the dark lord

and father

and Daphne's face over and over

their first fight

their disagreement over the IS

their breakup

when she saw the Mark

he's not sure if he's grateful when Potter takes him away

away from the blistering heat of her anger

and disappointment

and all the ways he's failed her

her body is never found

she died a hero.

like she wanted.

he marries Astoria

like the heir to the house he is supposed to be

she looks like an angel in white

the two of them cry through the wedding

not because they are

happy

or angry

or even sad

it's because they can see the

Daphne-shaped hole in their hearts

where love is supposed to be.


End file.
